I am an avid baker. I don't proclaim to be an expert or even a "good" baker, but I am certainly enthusiastic about baking and engage in it more often than many people I know. This is probably why I had such a momentous crisis about half an hour ago while reading a recipe.
My identity crisis was initiated by a seemingly innocuous recipe for the classic English baked foodstuff known as crumpets. By all accounts, I am sure that there is nothing too startling about this particular crumpet recipe, yet I found it particularly disturbing. First off, it started with a casual introduction, "I save clean water chestnut and pineapple cans so I can make crumpets whenever my family requests them. (You can also use a circle cookie cutter or mason jar ring.)" I thought to myself, "What is this person talking about?" However, people who write their own crumpet recipes are bound to be a little eccentric, so I was willing to let such enthusiasm for circular metal things slide with no more than an inward chuckle. My good-natured amusement did not last for very long as my eyes skimmed over the instructions. "Brush griddle and 3-in. metal rings or open-topped metal cookie cutters with remaining butter. Place rings on griddle; heat over low heat." What? Crumpets are cooked on a griddle? In rings?!
If you are familiar with crumpets, you are probably wondering what my problem is. Of course that's a perfectly logical way to make a crumpet. How else would one make a crumpet? And here is exactly where my baking identity crisis arose:
I had no idea what a crumpet was.
I scrambled to Google to remedy this. How had I spent my entire life not knowing what a crumpet was and furthermore, not knowing that I didn't know? I quickly realized that I wasn't alone! Crumpets are a highly contentious item – apparently they are uncannily similar to English muffins. But how can I work with the concept that something is similar to an English muffin if I am not entirely positive what an English muffin is? These questions began to shake my very foundational understanding of what constitutes a "muffin". I quickly became immersed in forums, Wikipedia articles and food-aficionado blog posts about the topic. I had accidentally stumbled upon an even more startling realization:
Muffins, the version that I know, love, and make with some frequency and proficiency are not a cut and dry subject.
I love muffins. As an American, for my entire life I have known "muffin" to be associated with a relatively tall, usually sweet (never savory) baked good made with a chemical leavening agent. Oftentimes muffins are flavored with things such as fruits, nuts or chocolate chips; are relatively fluffy, crumbly; and absolutely delicious any time of day (but mostly for breakfast). They are one of my favorite things to make for traveling and especially delicious with coffee on mornings following nights of very little sleep. In contrast, "English muffins" constitute relatively flat, dry, chewy, airy little rolls that have a hint of a sourdough taste. In my life, these little creatures have, at their best, played tasty roles in breakfasts for holding eggs and cheese and, at their worst, been disappointing substitutes for bread. I have never considered making them because I never crave them and generally only see them in my life when I am at home and my mother buys a package that somehow seems stale from the very moment that it is opened. It had always been abundantly clear to me that "English muffins", although occasionally appropriate, held very few of the delicious powers bestowed upon regular muffins. The shared nomenclature was probably some unfortunate understanding. Yet here it was: a subject that I had always thought to be quite simple under debate and discussion all across the internet. To add to the confusion of my situation – the true nature of an even more mysterious item, the so-called "crumpet", was also being blown around in the debate!
The root of all these food items is England. The Brits are also probably responsible for the confusion of the three. It is likely that differences of opinion in localized bakeries have perpetuated throughout the years and have blossomed into the debate that we see today. The historical relationship between the English and American muffin is uncertain. They are assuredly very different, and perhaps only share the same name due to some large misunderstanding that occurred in a New World bakery or possibly because a minority version of one Englishman's "muffin" became wildly popular in the colonies. However, no one debates the idea that they occupy distinctly separate niches. In this distinction, the primary difficulty is remembering to distinguish "American" or "English" to ensure that you receive exactly the baked good that you expect. It is possible that, because English muffins probably existed before their Yank counterparts, dropping the word "muffin" casually at a location outside of both countries would lean towards the English side of things. This is also likely because the imperial English and their opinions as to the nature of muffins colonized a lot more of the world before Americans did.
I realized later that this probably led to my grand misunderstanding of crumpets. I have always vaguely held the idea that they are an unsweet, perhaps dry biscuit or cornbread-like miniature muffin. This is probably due to some part of my impressionable childhood during which I was told that a crumpet "is like a muffin". Whatever this source was, it most surely was referring to the English muffin. Regardless of my wildly inaccurate impressions of crumpets, they are actually a trickier subject. Apparently, distinguishing a crumpet from an English muffin is far more complicated that simply discerning the families of muffins that inhabit opposite sides of the Atlantic. According to most sources on the internet, crumpets are like English muffins with subtle yet consistent unappetizing differences. There are more holes – as if I weren't annoyed enough by the craggy texture of English muffins! They are kind of rubbery (or spongy)! They are made with rings and only toasted on the griddle on one side! They are like pancakes, except not covered in maple syrup, and definitely do not contain bananas, nuts or anything delicious!
… What? A crumpet is a rubbery half-cooked, unnervingly-circular, bland pancake full of holes?! Why do these persist when English muffins, not to mention American muffins, sound about a thousand times more appealing?
Clearly, I am going to have to make some crumpets to fully understand the nature of this beast.
Lastly, The Muffin Man is an old English tune. Do you know what that means?
HE SOLD ENGLISH MUFFINS. So stop expecting blueberry muffins from him.
Maybe he will even give you crumpets if you aren't close enough paying attention.
